Perhaps the greatest hallmark of a Christian or anyone else for that matter is the ability to forgive. Letting go of an offense can be hard but holding on to it creates far worse problems. Bitterness can wreak havoc within the soul. It can tear you up inside like a cancer if you don’t know how to get rid of it.

Forgiveness starts with being honest with yourself. That is a good attitude to have and,  since you’re not perfect, why judge others? You have no right to.  Only the one without sin, scripture tells us, can cast stones ( John 8 : 7 ). Perhaps, you’ve believed a lie about what’s bothering you, about what someone did to you, and have magnified it over time, making it bigger than what it is. Best to drop it, get over it, and move on.

Feelings, in themselves, are neither right nor wrong. It’s what you do with them that matters. Let go of pesky feelings of hurt if you want to set yourself free. Then you can release the offender from his chains, and free yourself from being bound by them. Abraham Lincoln got it right when he said, “I conquered my enemies by making them my friends.”

Have you ever noticed that the closer we live to other people the easier it is to hurt them? We live closer to family members than anyone else. Next to our families are our neighbors, and after our neighbors are our fellow workers. Not only are we prone to hurt them, they in turn are prone to hurt us. A hurt coming from someone close destroys confidence and trust. That’s why forgiveness is so difficult, that’s why it is the greatest of challenges, that’s why it is a mark of strength. Only the strong can forgive for it takes strength to overcome negative feelings that inhibit growth. It takes courage to recognize you need to forgive the sins of others if you want to be free of your own.

There is an interesting expression: “Nursing a grudge.” Think of what it means, A grudge is a negative emotion that is about to die but you will not let it. By nursing a grudge, you become a prisoner to your own hurt : protecting it, holding on to it, and feeding it every bad medicine to keep it alive. Common sense tells us this is only a waste of time and energy. It does you no earthly good to nurse a grudge, so let it go and set yourself free.

Forgiveness is called a grace because it is out of this world. It would be foolish to refuse such a life-empowering grace in your life. When the Scriptures say you need to forgive “seventy times seven times” ( Matthew 8 : 22 ), it means you must forgive all the time, no strings attached because God has forgiven you, no strings attached. This is the grace of forgiveness that comes from the heart. 

Some people say, ” I will forgive but I cannot forget.” If by this is meant carrying resentment in the heart, rather than learning from the experience, it is not true forgiveness. The meaning of resentment is “to feel again.” Forgiveness refuses to feel again the hurt, and makes it possible to get over it, forget about it and be renewed. 

Learning to forgive is a choice. It is not magic. The residue of hurt may take time to wash off, but it will go away if you set yourself free by forgiving your offender. Then you can get on with your life.

—Fr. Hugh Duffy