Perhaps the greatest hallmark of a Christian or anyone else for that matter is the ability to forgive. Letting go of an offense can be hard but holding on to it creates far more problems. Bitterness can wreak havoc within your soul; it can tear you up inside like a cancer if you don’t get rid of it.

Learning to forgive starts with being honest with yourself. You’re not perfect . Only the one without sin can cast stones ( John 8 : 7 ). Perhaps, you’ve believed a lie about what’s bothering you, about what someone did to you, and have magnified it over time, making it bigger than what it is. Best to drop it, get over it, and move on.

Feelings, in themselves, are neither right or wrong. It’s what you do with them that matters. Let go of pesky feelings of hurt if you want to set yourself free. Then you can release the offender from his or her chains. Abraham Lincoln got it right when he said, “I conquered my enemies by making them my friends.”

Have you ever noticed that the closer we live to other people the easier it is to hurt them? We live closer to families than anyone else. Next to our families are our neighbors, and after our neighbors are our fellow workers. Not only are we prone to hurt them, they in turn are inclined to hurt us. A hurt coming from someone close destroys confidence and trust in them. That’s why forgiveness is so difficult, and that’s why it is the greatest of challenges. Only the strong can forgive for it takes strength to overcome negative feelings that inhibit growth. It takes courage, an attribute of strength, to recognize you need to forgive the sins of others if you want to be free of your own.

There is an interesting expression : “Nursing a grudge.” Think of what it means, A grudge is a negative emotion that is about to die but we will not let it. By nursing a grudge, we become prisoners to our own hurt : protecting it, holding on to it, and feeding it every bad medicine to keep it alive. Common sense tells us this is only a waste of time and energy. It does you no earthly good to nurse a grudge, so let it go and set yourself free.

Forgiveness is called a grace because it is out of this world. It would be foolish to refuse such a life-empowering gift in our lives. When the Scriptures say we need to forgive “seventy times seven times” ( Matthew 8 : 22 ), it means we must forgive unconditionally, no strings attached because God has forgiven us, unconditionally, no strings attached. This is the grace of forgiveness that comes from the heart. This is the forgiveness that is life-giving.

Some people say, ” I will forgive but I cannot forget.” If by this is meant carrying a grudge or resentment in the heart, rather than learning from the experience, it is not true forgiveness. Forgiveness does not hold resentment in the heart. The meaning of resentment is “to feel again.” Forgiveness, on the other hand, makes it possible to get over the bad feeling, to forget about the wrong, and to be renewed. It does not mean re-living the old bitterness all over again.

Learning to forgive is a choice. It is not magic. The residue of hurt may take time to wash off, but it will go away if you set yourself free by forgiving your offender. Then you can get on with your life.

Lord, help me understand what I need to do to receive my healing.

—Fr. Hugh Duffy